So I’ve turned to pen and paper now, my only recluse.
If I don't release here and now
I swear I will implode
into a vicious black hole
and take the whole world with me.
O the rush of rage
when I see her screaming at him
with her eyes
begging for love.
When I see a hug
held for millions of years too long......................
the arms of my lover
O how sweet they feel
wrapping around her body
she wishes I wasn't here.
I do too.
The facade is shallow
it’s transparent to me
snare remarks, distant stabs
her skipping gaze hiding bitterness
and lost competition.
But there is no competition here
we are women, we are sisters
I am here for you, but I will not apologise for whom I love
why can't you see that
The reservation of intimacy
no curiosity about my life
or even enough to pretend.
Never asking personal details
or even a ‘how are you’ while looking in the eye
and expecting a genuine response.
Robotic responses, robotic defences
pile more lead on the wall.
Sometimes all I want to do is
and pretend I never existed.
Sometimes I see my mind
finding faults in perfect moments
and I wonder if I will ever be truly happy.
Other times I sit there and
feel peace and joy
engulfing my existence
in awe-ful gratitude, for breathing and feeling.
How is it that we can taste two oceans of fervour and apathy
how many worlds are inside me
A sweet, loving trance takes over
when I think about the way he looks at me
kisses me and calls me his muse.
When I think about the fact that
atoms came from a point like this .
and solid matter is an illusion
nothing ever stops moving
it’s all shaking and
the border of my skin is
just a few billion cells
like flying bricks moving in and out of a wall
like the entrance to 9/3’4 station
that my eyes can see through light
and if there were no light
Because without light there is no darkness
and without a heart that can be hurt
and squeezed in inadequacy
and hurled in embarrassment
and stabbed in jealousy
then we wouldn’t have a heart
to celebrate with
to pick a flower with
to persevere and fight with
to make love with
A heart to encompass
the meaning of our lives
and guide us through the great
making dirty jokes along the way.
Disembroiling the greasy tangle of jealousy
means not running away,
it means looking in the eye
of the person who's twisting the knife in your chest
and saying, I see you.
it means putting spite on the side
It means processing our own emotions
so we don't do fucked-up shit
it means asking yourself:
'hey, why do you want to headbutt that wall
or drown yourself in a public fountain'
you'll most likely hate the answer
because it makes you vulnerable
but it turns out
I'm just in love
and maybe so is she
If I can feel this way.........
of course she can too.
and I hate that answer too
I want to say:
for taking your hurt out
in this passive aggressive, backhanded, poisonous way
but it turns out
that's just a wound
a wound thats hurting
a wound that challenges us to find new ways to heal
we inflict this pain on each other.....
it's not pointless
It's a chance to find a different kind of love
a love that's there for everyone
the only medicine.
the only truth.